what if every blade of grass was a penis?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
