I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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