in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
