i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
