and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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