i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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