I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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