we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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