Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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