all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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