I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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