Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
