3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
