So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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