I'm drive I can fine osifer
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
