This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you didnt know i had herpes?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
