I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
