I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
