my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
