Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
