My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
