she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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