Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
3pm strippers are depressing
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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