She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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