like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
