I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
