I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize