when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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