I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
