The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
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