When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize