how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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