I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How's work?
Spinning.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
