He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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