Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
