He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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