Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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