you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
