you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
