so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
