just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
