remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
