I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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