Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
