oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
