he referred to my room as the tit cave...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
