She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
