Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
