Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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