the day after is always just damage control
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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