After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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