Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
