Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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