Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
