we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
