we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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