I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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