i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize