my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
