After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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